Jokes

When a new dentist set up in a small town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the latest kind of "Painless" dentist. But a local lad quicky disputed this. "He's a fake ! " he told his mates. "He's not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him - and he yelled like anyone else."

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

What did the tooth say to the departing dentist?
Fill me in when you get back.

What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie...

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied... "Not yet...It's his turn with the teeth!"

A man goes to the dentist who besides being an excellent dentist, also has a great sense of humour and usually has a joke to share with his patients. Near the end of the examination, the dentist said thought he should do an impression. The patient said, "Great, who are you going to do?"

Bible verse hanging in a dental office:
Psalms 81:10:" . . . open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it."

An elderly patient went to have her teeth checked.
"Mrs. Hopgood, your teeth are good for the next 50 years." the dentist beamed.
To which she replied, "What will they do without me?"

After a difficult day seeing patients, most of whom had been children, the dentist's biggest challenge had been getting those little mouths to stay open. To his delight, his last patient was an adult. "Welcome," he told her as he began the examination. "It's so nice to work on someone with a big mouth."

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

Actual Names of Practicing Dentists
Dr.Pullman, Dr.Filler, Dr.Fear, Dr.Rensch (pronounced wrench), Dr.Pick, Dr.Tusk, Dr. Drewel (pronounced "drool"), Dr.Tucek (2thChk), Dr.Chu, Dr.Shugar, Dr.Pic, Dr.Pang, Dr.Butcher, Dr.Harm, Dr.Hurter, Dr.Toothaker, Dr.Lynch, Dr.Root, Dr.Nasti, Dr.Paine/Payne/Pain (15 entries but notably Dr.Daryl B Payne = "There Will Be Pain"), Dr.Smiley, Dr.Schotz, Dr.Hale (pronounced "hell" in southern), Dr.Bliss, Dr.Lancit, Dr.Gager, Dr. Eke

Medical Doctor Humor
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?" "Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That is terrible!!
WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. "Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks. "10..." says the doctor. "10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately. "10...9...8...7..."

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus." "Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "And did he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

A Few Final Questions